I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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