Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
