My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
