youre lurking in front of me
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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