Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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