After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
