how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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