i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
