I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
PANTIES FOUND
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