i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
