Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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