when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
