True but thats because hes a fetus.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
