apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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