is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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