He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
