why didn't you poke me back
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
