Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I deserve this hangover.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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