i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
