And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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