Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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