I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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