Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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