She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
