Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
