update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
