PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
