the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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