He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
