Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
