he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
