I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
