If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
