just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
