Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Everything about him screamed your future.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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