Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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