i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
