It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
