Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
