and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
