just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
