also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
