WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
