I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
