my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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