I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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