Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
