fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
