i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
