im drinking this country out of the recession.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Can I color on your dick again?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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