she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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