Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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